Handling the Holidays as a Stoic
The holiday season arrives each year with the same paradox: we anticipate joy and connection, yet often find ourselves stressed, exhausted, and disappointed. Family tensions flare up at dinner tables. Gift giving becomes a source of anxiety rather than pleasure. Social obligations pile up until our calendars look like battle plans.
For those of us drawn to Stoic philosophy, the holidays present a perfect testing ground for our principles. Can we actually remain calm when Uncle Dave starts his political rants? Can we find contentment when we’re stuck in airport delays? Can we practice virtue when commercialism seems to have consumed the very spirit of celebration?
The answer is yes, but it requires preparation, intention, and a willingness to reframe what the holidays actually mean.
Separating What You Control From What You Don’t
The foundation of Stoic practice is the dichotomy of control. As Epictetus taught, some things are up to us and some things are not. The holidays amplify this distinction dramatically.
You don’t control:
- Whether your family members argue
- If flights get delayed or cancelled
- What gifts other people give you
- How your relatives judge your life choices
- Whether it snows on Christmas Day
- Other people’s expectations of you
You do control:
- Your reactions to difficult situations
- How you speak to others
- Your expectations and attitudes
- Where do you direct your attention
- Your level of preparation
- Whether you engage with drama or step back
This isn’t about suppressing emotions or pretending everything is fine. It’s about recognising where your power actually lies. When you waste energy trying to control the uncontrollable, you’re setting yourself up for frustration. When you focus on what’s within your sphere of influence, you become effective.
Redefining Holiday Success
Our culture bombards us with images of the “perfect” holiday: everyone laughing, the table beautifully decorated, gifts met with tears of joy, snow falling gently outside. This fantasy creates a standard that real life rarely meets.
Marcus Aurelius reminded himself constantly not to expect perfection from imperfect people. The same applies to imperfect holidays. Your holiday doesn’t need to be perfect. It needs to be meaningful to you.
Consider what actually matters. Is it demonstrating love and care? Is it creating memories? Is it practising patience and compassion? Is it simply being present with people you care about?
When you define success by your values rather than by Instagram-worthy moments, the pressure lifts. A simple meal where real conversation happens becomes more valuable than an elaborate feast where everyone stares at their phones.
Practicing Negative Visualization (Premeditatio Malorum)
The Stoics recommended contemplating what could go wrong, not to become pessimistic, but to prepare mentally and remove the shock factor when difficulties arise.
Before heading into holiday gatherings, spend some time considering realistic challenges:
- What if someone brings up that topic you all fight about?
- What if the meal doesn’t turn out as planned?
- What if you’re disappointed by a gift or don’t get what you hoped for?
- What if you feel lonely even while surrounded by people?
Now, mentally rehearse how you’d want to respond. Not how you fear you might react, but how the best version of yourself would handle it. This mental preparation creates a buffer between stimulus and response. When the difficult moment arrives, you’ve already practised staying grounded.
The Gift Giving Dilemma
Few things create more holiday stress than gifts. We worry about spending enough, finding the perfect item, and whether our gift will measure up. Meanwhile, Stoic philosophy teaches us that virtue is the only true good. External things like possessions are “preferred indifferents.”
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give or enjoy receiving gifts. It means approaching gift giving from a different angle:
Give from genuine care, not obligation. A small, thoughtful gift beats an expensive one given out of social pressure. As Seneca wrote in his letters, the best gifts are given freely and without expectation of return.
Release attachment to outcomes. You control the thoughtfulness you put into selecting or creating a gift. You don’t control how it’s received. Give with an open hand and let go.
Practice gratitude for what you receive, regardless of whether it matches your hopes. Someone thought of you. That’s the real gift.
Dealing With Difficult Family Dynamics
The holidays often force us into extended time with family members we may not get along with or who push our buttons expertly. This is perhaps the ultimate Stoic training ground.
Remember that people act according to their own understanding of what’s good. When your relative makes that irritating comment, they’re not doing it to ruin your day. They’re acting from their own perspective, their own wounds, their own limitations.
This doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abuse or boundary violations. Stoicism includes practical wisdom (phronesis), which sometimes means excusing yourself from toxic situations. But for the everyday frustrations (the unsolicited advice, the passive-aggressive comments, the old grievances), try this approach:
Pause before reacting. Take a breath. Remind yourself that this person is struggling with their own challenges, just as you are. Choose a response that aligns with your values rather than reacting from emotion.
As Marcus Aurelius wrote, “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil.” He didn’t write this to judge others, but to prepare himself mentally and maintain his own composure.
Finding Gratitude in the Present Moment
The holiday season is ironically one of the times we’re least present. We’re thinking about the meal we need to prepare, the relatives arriving tomorrow, and whether we forgot someone on our gift list. We’re anywhere but here.
Stoicism is fundamentally about living in accordance with nature and reality as it is, not as we wish it to be. That means being present for this moment, the only one we actually have.
Try this simple practice: several times throughout your holiday gatherings, pause and take a genuine look around. Notice who’s there. Notice that you have people to gather with. Notice the food, the warmth, the small kindnesses happening. Notice your own breath.
This isn’t toxic positivity. You’re not pretending everything is perfect. You’re simply acknowledging what’s actually here, which often includes things worth appreciating that we miss while worrying about the future or dwelling on the past.
Solitude and Social Obligations
For some, the holidays mean too much enforced socialising. For others, they highlight loneliness. Either way, Stoicism offers guidance.
If you’re overwhelmed by social obligations, remember that you have agency. You can decline invitations. You can leave events earlier than expected. You can build in time alone to recharge. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-knowledge and honesty.
If you’re facing loneliness during the holidays, remember that the Stoics didn’t see isolation as necessarily bad. Seneca cherished his time alone for reflection and self-improvement. Solitude can be an opportunity to practice self-sufficiency and inner peace rather than depending on external circumstances for contentment.
That said, Stoics also valued community and relationships as “preferred indifferents.” If loneliness is causing you genuine pain, reaching out is wise and practical. Consider volunteering, attending community events, or connecting with others who might also be alone.
The Virtue of Generosity
The holidays, beneath all the commercialism, are meant to be about giving. This aligns beautifully with Stoic ethics, which emphasises serving the common good and recognising our interconnectedness.
But Stoic generosity goes beyond material gifts. It includes:
- Patience with the frazzled store clerk
- Helping someone carry packages to their car
- Really listening when someone shares their struggles
- Offering companionship to someone who’s alone
- Forgiving small slights and irritations
These acts of generosity cost nothing but attention and intention. They’re also entirely within your control, which makes them powerful practices for developing virtue.
When Things Go Wrong
They will. The turkey will burn, someone will say something hurtful, you’ll overspend or oversleep or lose your temper. The question isn’t whether you’ll face challenges, but how you’ll respond when you do.
The Stoic response to setbacks is simple but not easy: acknowledge what happened, take responsibility for what’s yours, make amends if needed, learn what you can, and move forward. Don’t compound one mistake with rumination and self-flagellation.
As Epictetus taught his students, when something goes wrong, immediately ask yourself: “Is this within my control?” If not, accept it and adapt. If so, take appropriate action.
This moment (right now, with things having gone wrong) is your opportunity to practice philosophy. Perfect circumstances don’t build character. Adversity does.
After the Holidays: Reflection
Once the decorations come down and life returns to normal, take time to reflect on how you handled the season. Not to judge yourself harshly, but to learn.
What situations triggered you? Where did you maintain your composure? What would you do differently? What did you learn about yourself?
This reflection is how philosophy becomes wisdom. Experience alone doesn’t make us wiser. Examined experience does.
A Stoic Holiday Mindset
Ultimately, handling the holidays as a Stoic means approaching them as you’d approach any other time: as an opportunity to practice virtue, maintain your equanimity, and contribute to the common good.
The holidays don’t require you to be superhuman. They invite you to be deeply, authentically human: flawed, trying, learning, growing. They’re a chance to practice patience when you’re tired, generosity when you’re stressed, and presence when you’re distracted.
You won’t be perfect. The holidays won’t be perfect. And that’s exactly as it should be. Perfect isn’t the goal. Living with intention, wisdom, and care: that’s the goal.
So as you navigate this holiday season, remember what you control and release what you don’t. Define success by your values rather than external standards. Prepare for challenges mentally. Practice gratitude for what’s present. Set boundaries when needed. Give generously from a place of genuine care. And when things go wrong, respond with wisdom rather than reaction.
The holidays are just another stretch of days. What makes them meaningful is how you show up, and that’s entirely within your power.
